November 2023: Adultery — AM of DC says, “The next time around, I’d pay better attention to the signs and communicate more. I realize now that it’s ok to argue. I always avoided arguing in my marriage and instead shut down and gave in. So we never addressed the issues.”

She was married for 2 years when AM of Washington, DC found out her spouse had committed adultery. “I did not discuss divorce with him until 10 years later, but the first time it crossed my mind was after the first time he cheated.”
When she finally decided she wanted a divorce, he was not happy with the decision. “He was very apologetic and tried to convince me to stay. And I was tempted. My dad always encouraged my siblings and me to work through our differences in marriage. My parents were married for 46 years, and my grandparents were married for over 50 years. My dad came from a divorced family, and he didn’t want us to go through that or put the kids through that process.”
Does she wish she had waited? “I actually think I stayed longer than I should have,” says AM, who is now 41. “However, I am grateful for my two beautiful kids. My biggest concern was the kids. I wanted them to grow up in a household with both parents.”
How is AM doing since the divorce? “My life has been great! While our divorce came as a shock to my kids, friends, and family, everyone has adjusted well. For my kids, I think that’s in part because my ex and I never argued in front of them. In fact, when she heard the news, my daughter told me: “Yay, I get to decorate two rooms!” My son cried at first, but he has adjusted well. We still celebrate together — birthdays, holidays, Mother’s Day, and Father’s Day. We even go on family trips. It is confusing to many people that we can still be friends, but we just found that we were better as friends than as lovers. I wish the best for him, and he wishes the best for me.”
Is she happier? “I am so much happier. I started living for myself instead of for everyone else. I learned to love myself first. I have traveled so much since divorcing. I have met so many new people and had many new experiences. I enjoyed working my way through the dating world, and it has been fun.
How about her ex? “He is doing really well. He is an amazing father. He is dating and enjoying life as well.”
And the kids? “My kids are very resilient. They are on the honor roll at school, participating in sports, and traveling more. We didn’t do many things with the kids outside of the house when we were married. So now, when we each have our week with the kids, we try to do something new with the kids or take them places they have never been. So the kids are definitely spoiled. My son does say that he misses me when he is with dad and misses dad when he is with me. But the great thing is that we live 2 streets apart, so the kids can walk or ride their bikes to the other house.”
Would you divorce again? If so, would you do anything differently? “If I did choose to get re-married and it didn’t work out, then yes, I would get divorced. I wouldn’t wait so long. But honestly, I really don’t think I want to get married again. However, I always say never say never! Even though I am not interested in re-marrying, I do value having a committed relationship. The next time around, I’d pay better attention to the signs and communicate more. I realize now that it’s ok to argue. I always avoided arguing in my marriage and instead shut down and gave in. So we never addressed the issues.”
AM’s advice for others: “Divorce is not a bad thing; sometimes you outgrow the other person. Although I knew my ex was cheating on me, I never played the victim. I asked him why and what I could have done better. I believe there is a reason why people make the wrong choices, and I accepted my part in that. I never villainized him to family and friends and kept our business between us. I think both of us stayed longer than we should have because of the paperwork it takes to go through the divorce and separating assets. Fortunately, we had two of everything, so we were able to split everything down the middle, and we both walked away with more than we walked into the marriage with.”
Resources that helped AM get through her divorce: